please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
