In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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