I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
