she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
