So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
thus making me awesome and them whores
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
