i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
he fucked my hip out of place.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
