Swine flu is the new snow day.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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