She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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