That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
