He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
