Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
