he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
