Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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