It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
