Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
