at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
