who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
