watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
