Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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