I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
