I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
