wakey wakey hands off snakey
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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