found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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