She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
