i permit you to call me
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I can tuck mytits in my pants
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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