Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
