y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Pappa wants mamma naked
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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