I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
