Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
