I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
