i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
