I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
