Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
