Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
