Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
