im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
