I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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