The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize