did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
