what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
