New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
