if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
