I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
