mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
