I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
