3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
