Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Randomize
