the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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