Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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