Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
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