to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
