On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
