just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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