I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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