You can't motorboat a personality
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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