Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
