There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
