weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Come share oat with me in your robe
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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