We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
