i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I lost the right to judge tonight
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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