I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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