He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize