If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
that may or may not have been my penis.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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