new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
