alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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