On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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